Give This Guy a Book Contract

Posted by sepoy on January 11, 2006 · 2 mins read

Come, little Iqbal, I* will tell you about Pakistani bowlers. As a genetic anomaly, they emerged from the banks of that old river Ravi. Weaned on a diet of buffalo milk and hearty roots, they were found to have great upper body strength. This provided them with a natural advantage over the rest of the cricketers who had had to use gyms and exercises to compete.

While their hefty physiques were a boon, their short developmental cycle left them sadly bereft of analytic abilities. Dragged from the river-banks, caked in mud, they were washed and clad in whites by the Pakistan Cricket Board - a Barnum & Bailey subsidiary.

With the red, shiny new ball in their hand, their animalistic instincts immediately took over. After all, this was no dormant gene. Streaking in at blazing speed from distances of over 2 miles, they would hurl their spherical projectiles at the head of batsmen. Even supermen like Sachin Tendulkar, who had devoted their life to the intimate study of the complexities of cricketing, had some troubles dealing with the bovine-inspired madness of these bowlers.

There are signs, though, that this species is undergoing a slow evolution. Some bowlers, who used to hunt only in pairs [Sarfraz & Imran, Wasim & Waqar] are learning that they can survive on their own in the wild [Shoib]. Others, are slowly learning how to draw line-diagrams in the dirt. Evolutionary biologists are hopeful that, in time, these bowlers will evolve a frontal lobe capable of deconstructing symbols and, eventually, learn to read.

Will that distant future kill the primal joy of watching these graceful, untamed beasts in the heart of the most civilized game ever played? We don't know. But, we shudder to contemplate that dark future.


* Inspired by Siddhartha Vaidyanathan's superlative "reporting" from Lahore [thanks to prithvi for making me seethe]. Also, see related.


tsk | January 12, 2006

where can i find that jersey? the internets keep diverting me back to new jersey's cricket association. (who knew?) oh. are you verbing these guys? or typo?

tsk | January 12, 2006

oooooooooooooooooooooooo......... comment dhtml....... pretty......... ajax? ruby? what is it?

sepoy | January 12, 2006

typo. sorry. you want the jersey that akram is wearing? Here is one. Although, I can get you one for 200 rupees from Anarkali.